Welcome back to Vogue and a Latte! I am not sure how you found me, but I am glad you are here. We’re about to get deep here! If you are new, check out my About Me page or head on over to my Instagram to get a feel for who I am. Or just keep on reading and we will become fast friends!
This post concept/idea is going to be in two parts, so buckle up. I wrote the first part of this post when I felt lost, angry, and out of control of my life. First, I want you to feel freedom to admit that you are lost, angry, or feel out of control. Those emotions are real and hiding them doesn’t do any good. This is vulnerable and a part of me I didn’t know I would even share. But I want someone out there to not feel alone in the silence of life. Here goes.
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I have had no control over my life over these past few months. Like huge, monumental things that have happened, all at once, that I literally cannot control. It’s uncomfortable. It’s sad. It’s not fun. I am mad. I am crying a lot. I don’t understand why it seems as though I had everything that I ever wanted and it was all taken away from me. I feel disconnected. I don’t feel at home. The idea of comfort is so foreign as of late. Everywhere I go I feel like I have to introduce myself, to tell my story, and explain why my life is now where it is, when it isn’t what I want.
I had a life trajectory, as I am sure that most of you have. An idea of when I would be married, when I would have kids, where I would live, how happy I would be at age 25 with my little family and life all set up. It’s comforting and also frightening how little control we have over our lives. Over other peoples emotions. Over other people’s ideas of their own personal life trajectory.
I don’t want to be searching. I want to be whole. How does that happen? Jesus. Will we, as humans, ever feel 100% whole and satisfied? No, we won’t. That’s sin. It steals, kills, and destroys.
My eyes are sore from the tears. I felt whole, I think. I am not whole without Jesus, but I felt it. Relationships offer me a security that even in this newfound sense of myself and sense of purpose, I can’t replicate. I want to hear the Lord’s voice over all of the noise. I like to feel comfortable. I hate feeling uncomfortable. It’s simple, but I feel uncomfortable often. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt the comfort I felt with him. He felt like home. He felt like forever, for a moment.
BUT we as Christians, get to rely on one source. Our living water. Our insatiable tendencies have a solution. That’s Jesus. Jesus is our answer. There is nothing, I mean NOTHING, that will fulfill besides Him. Not even a Christ centered, equally yoked marriage with 3 photogenic babies named Twig, Fern, and Salt.
I have truly been loving these morning posts (I was doing a Morning Routine series with bloggers I love, you can read one here) that I have been writing with other bloggers. I think I started these posts to highlight bloggers that I adored and make more connections, and while I have done that, I think I have also somewhat used this series to hide behind someone else’s content for a little while. I haven’t had a ton of inspiration and motivation and I have felt like I really have nothing to say to people at the moment. At least, that’s how I had been feeling for the past few months or so. It SUCKS when you are used to being so creative and then all of a sudden have the creative mindset completely dulled. A lot of bloggers talk about being in a rut, which I guess is kind of what happened, but I think mostly, to be honest, I am just full of anxiety and some depression. My life did a complete 180 in a matter of weeks and I think that has been a blessing and a curse.
I am back in California, as most of you know, but my heart is in Atlanta! My heart has always been in Atlanta, it’s home for me. California is a fun adventure-filled place with so many appealing places and people. And it will be home for a little while longer, that I am sure of. But in the back of my mind, I know that I want to end up in Atlanta in a cute little home filled with light and cute interiors and a back porch, spending my weekends on the beltline and at rooftop brunches with some of my closest friends. I want my kids to grow up with my best friends kids and create a community that just does life together. I don’t know if my life will head in this trajectory.
I don’t know what God has for me. But right now, I have nothing else left to give so I have no choice but to lean into Him and trust in his goodness and faithfulness.
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God was working in this time. God was so present and so evident in each life decision that was made without my choosing. Part 2 is going to be all about this. Keep your eyes peeled for it and keep your hearts searching for God. He is truly the only place to find comfort when nothing and nowherein the world feels like home.
xx, Madison
